It’s been about a year since I did this last.

I have had so many changes. some of the tough things:

Learning that being ugly is only on the inside.

Learning that I can have a greater spirit than my thoughts allow. I have the energy to do this

Learning that my tears of realization that it is an absolute contradiction in life to search for purpose and finding it.

Learning that loving myself is one of the highest achievements. Saying I love you as I look into my eyes no matter what takes a special spirit, a special life, as special person who may be on a tough journey but is doing it….. living right… right now, as I can.

Living with a hidden this and that and fighting a special fight inside my head, my mind, my being, my life…. we all have it and we will all have the occasion this life to find the light inside. shine like we are born to do. as a star.

I have since found some sort of job that is exactly what I need. I have been pushing myself forward more and more and not letting the challenge of becoming not me and staying Aaron all at once get me confused, or let me falter as I fight with all my spirit.

I have found that the music is still getting me. I wonder if I will ever change like that but they study my brainwaves, and I have some special stuff going on. so my love of music, waves, frequencies, transmissions, receptions… whatever it is… I sit here in tears wondering when MY Epilepsy Monster will come and sit with me. it won’t be sitting. More like my angry Wave that is fighting with The Tiger Crab. I will get outta my shell again, but I gotta say…. I am in love with that which is in this shell. Let the waves hit me.

I fell 4 years ago and was diagnosed with Epilepsy.

I have been living with the consequences of the epilepsy and my brain tumor and being diagnosed with a brain injury.

i’ve been stuck. stuck in a loop. loop of work, effort and seeing what it brings. I have been raised to think that my efforts mean something, but them first 40+ years…. must have been prep for this. must have been setting me up to be a great person who has so many pieces of my puzzle, and now I just am finding the next chapter[s]. whatever that means. i Have so much in my heart and so much to offer the world and so much love, for myself and others. I want to not squander this wonderful life I have been living. some say we chose it before we are here, some say that we are forgiven, so say we are born into badness. I feel like my life has been born into madness.

I think I have had this since i was like 10 or 12 years old. maybe before. I was a special wrapper to a mess that I learned to keep tidy. i did my best to hide the rough edges and make others smile. It has only progressed and at work, I fell, and that life ended and this one began. 4 years ago.

I found a pic I took at 7:45, and the first blood was drawn by the medics at 8:45. sometime between 8:10 and 8:25 I fell and it was the end of what I new as my world. it just crumpled like I did. I remember my mom staying with me as I would wake with my broken pieces and just cry out “What Did I do?????”

what did I do? remember, your efforts go rewarded and also you have some shit just happen. sometimes the worst stuff you couldn’t imagine.

im not homeless, I have not worried or seen bombs dropped on me. haven’t caught some virus that is circling the world and havent been beat up cause I am white or black or any of the other things. the toughest thing is living with my plants in my cold place with my cold mean landlord. It would be worse on the street and I don’t know how I could let it get to that, but I didn’t “LET” me get to this place, it just happened. sometimes you have a challenge to fight that must be fought. You have to be shown by life how tough the warrior in you must be. I don’t dream like before, hope like before and surely don’t expect anything out of life. not like I did before. not much at all, so everything that comes my way will be taken as a special gift. Like my Epilepsy. I couldn’t think of a life not seeing the world from this point of view, and the seeing the pain as a gift so I can grow and my spirit can find something more than I once hoped to find.

2022, New You. Tiger with Wings

Well, I’ve had this whole kinderhood thing going on since I was young. I have a few friends that know me still and anyone who has known me knows that seems like I’m in many places at once.

Back in college I was trying to figure out what was going on with me. I had a lot of aches and pains. So few of them were from real pain or a real ache unless it’s a part of me that was aching to get out. I’ve done all I can to help others and care about others and let them know that they’re special and all of that. We make mistakes along the way and we do our best, at least most of us do.

This year starts a whole new bunch of stuff for me. Worries are so heavy now a days. I have decided that I gotta stop caring about stuff. It is a double edged sword, seemingly. I am done caring about how it will turn out. I know how it will all turn out for everyone. I am determined to just be me. Do as many of the things I dreamed of doing in this dream as I can. I have been, didn’t know it would take such a turn, but we are handling it. I am.. I am hopeful it isn’t going to keep getting more challenging. It probably will.

Over the next months, Imma do all I can to just let the bright shining light of divinity come out and live through me. We all seem to have a challenge and another and another on our life path. I am lucky and fortunate enough to explore it. Explore what and who I am…still… It is a process of shedding and regrowing. This process will probably continue on the same as it has been..confusing and wonderful and so many pains along the way.

I have set up the whole dollhouse, the flight-deck, the best hanger I can muster with the meager tools I have, the library, the gym, the dancefloor. It is time to get more work done… 2022.. it will surely be new for me. I hope everyone can find the bright light inside themselves. The Year of the Tiger

Happy New Year.

First Day of the Lunar New Year

I’m doing it right this year. Self respect at least. Going to value what I have left of my time here, and I may be in a tough fight, all the people around me gotta respect themselves and that I am dealing with an invisible fight. Something bright is still inside my heart. It has been a wild new life to learn about. No one is going to push me down or back or off my path.

Your cat is a small Tiger waiting for the right time. I’m the big kitty and no one will be in my way. I have the strength to succeed and survive.

After 35 or 40 years things really change for most people, mature Adults…

I’ve really noticed that my whole life I’ve been introspective and have really tried to nurture myself or become a little bit better person. The hard part is learning to love yourself. The hard part is really nurturing yourself. In my small amount of travels in life and experience I found that most men when they get to them years they are struggling with loving themselves, and nurturing something better in themselves really. Feels like most men somehow give up at 40 or 35 or something like that. The hardest part to see around me is any kinds of friendships, or connections to others, are not based around friendships, but exchanges – not really connections that matter. I see around me too many men that so struggle with loving themselves and nurturing themselves that they just given up and the amount of all that that they push out into the world is completely negligible.

Saving myself, my closest friends and every worthwhile connection I can. These wings have got worked out more than I can say. No apologies needed, no worries. This is me and that was me. Yea…my neighbors to the north could be better, my neighbors to the south have brought tears. Really, everyone gotta be their best.

The good caring protective neighbors and angels have shown their light. Otherwise I remember -and truly forgive their darkness in their hearts. Nurturing another in trouble is hard to figure out, much less muster in ourselves.

If I see you again I would beat you in a race. On foot. My wings fly far too fast and I know more than you. My best friend Mark spells his name the correct way. I look towards the East for light, sometimes it fails me cause of a cloudy day. Make the best of a cloudy day. I think of that red and white and I remember the darkest of times.

I’m home where I belong. My next steps are just thoughts, but I’ll keep going till I can’t. You do the same and we can be friends.

I’m going to the town.

I live in the middle of one busy town.

I’m gonna be on a boat in a car on a bus and on a train and on a plane. Wow

Upside Down. Flying soon.

I have had close to three years since my world was turned upside down.

I have not really found me again. My world is moving like the rest around me. Moving forward. No way to get there unless I get these wings working again. The queen bee is me. No more yesterday. Tomorrow will come after today. Just now. I am.

I see them wings, I hear them too. The queen don’t go far… sends out them hard workers to fly high.

It is my sister bee’s birthday. Sometimes we want it to be special for everyone, other times, maybe just another day. I don’t remember a lot of them…. I am starting to not care anymore what I don’t remember. I just want to go get the good stuff and get home ok.

Today I have a mission, and have been separating me from my aches and pains, my emotional stuff and even my small momentary trips to somewhere else to save the world.. just go. It is hard to do it, but u take ur love and put urself forth. I walk a lot. That is the one thing I could worry about. Gotta go. Life is the adventure. Even when u might and have woke up on the floor or worse. I got up, today, and have got to dreaming already.

I hope that I can make this word-spot a place to let out the inner me… The one that has persisted thru all the falls, tears, woke up where’s??, and the use to be’s….

I’ll get this sorted out…..

Unified Field Theory

I had learned about this before…

My experience here has been an absolute trip. A trip from the souce to this special place.